The Darker, Comedy Side of Travel

Haha on a lighter note here is a funny story sent in by Nick. Our tale is about a man by the of Dirks and a trip to Kona that ended with happiness in a way, but started with a scare, because of ignorant stoner bliss. So with out further a do.

About four years back a friend and I took a trip to Hawaii, the big island. We mostly stayed in Kona, hot air, warm waters, and beautiful beaches. It also had an abundance of hobos and ice heads, or methadone addicts. Often times it became difficult to distinguish between the two seeing as they both seemed to be incoherent. But for the most part they both went unnoticed and blended in to the gorgeous scenery. Now my friend Dirks is a Wildman, an overgrown man-child who can rarely see five minutes in the future. With a guy like that you have to keep your head on a swivel. I had a feeling he might make the trip interesting, add some excitement. Because when you take a six foot two inch 220 pound German with the curiosity of a monkey and the intelligence of an Amazonian, you know there’s gonna be some good times. At the hotel my friend Dirks and I met a girl. She was cute and pretty easy to get along with. Dirks, an excessive womanizer, was spewing out as many lies as he possibly could to convince her he wasn’t an idiot. That night they got caught up on the idea of walking into town and buying some herb. It was a little past eleven and town was about a two-mile or forty minute walk down Alii Dr. To me it didn’t seem like it was worth the effort. But Dirks was set on impressing this girl and tried to reassure me the walk would only take ten minutes. I knew he was full of s**t but agreed to go anyways. As we began our adventure I jokingly raised the question about being robbed by some hobos.

“I would kick their ass bro”, Dirks stated with confidence
“Oh ya Dirks? What if it’s some crazy ice head with a knife?”

“Dude I would take the knife away from him and then proceed to beat the shit out of him”

At this point Dirks was trying to pretend he was extremely tough to impress our young lady friend. I chuckled to myself because I knew he would be the first one to bounce if we were getting mugged. As we approached downtown we noticed it was almost completely dormant. A few sketch balls lingered in the shadows. So what does Dirks do? He approaches the most tweaked looking Hawaiian and asks him if he’s holding.

“Hey bro you have any nugg?”
“Umm na”, says the shifty eyed f***er
“Well do you know anyone who can hook me up a sack?”
“Na man. Well how much?”
“For a hundred sack”

At this point I get a glimpse to the extent of Dirks’ stupidity. For those of you who are not familiar with the lingo Dirks just told him a hundred dollars worth of weed. Considering not too many dealers take visa, Dirks is essentially saying he has a hundred dollars in cash on him. Basically saying I am a stupid Howlie please rob me. The crackys tone changed too much more accommodating.

“Ya I think I know someone let me give him a call”
He walks into the shadows and returns shortly.
“Ya my friend will be here in like twenty minutes”
“Cool. We’re gonna walk over to the gas station”

Immediately as we break away from the fiends I start yelling at Dirks for being a complete moron. I point out how this is the basic scenario for being raped and that the Hawaiians looked like your stereotypical tweakers. Never do business with someone who looks like Jafar from Aladdin. Once again Dirks reassures us that he has everything under control. He choreographs how he would disarm and disable the attackers pointing out his size advantage. I wasn’t convinced and suggested we should bail. Dirks would have none of that. When we returned I kept my distance, about twenty feet. The girl came over to talk to me. A green Chevy pickup with a silver toolbox in the bed rolled up. I see dirks and the driver talking. I also notice the to ice heads swiftly walking away. I can’t hear what Dirks is saying, the waves are too loud. I then see the driver raise his arm and Dirks hand him a hundred dollars. What an idiot I think. Never give the money to an unknown dealer before you get the nugg. Dirks comes marching back. What the hell is he doing?
“I just got robbed”

Lets back that up a little and take a look at it from Dirks’ view.

“What’s up?”
“How’s it?”
“You got the weed?”
“Ya you got the money”
“Ya”
“Alright give it to me”
“I don’t do things that way. Let me see the nugg first”
The driver raises his arm and low and behold a gun.
“This is how we do things here. Now give me the money”

This is the point were Dirks nearly pisses himself. Thankfully he is too dumb to realize how dangerous the situation is. He hands over the money and…. He is robbed. Haha classic.

When he returns I burst into laughter. I then release an onslaught of insults and taunts,
“Haha I thought you were going to disarm him and then kick his a**?”
“Dude he had a gun. What the f**k was I supposed to do?”
“Haha do you feel violated?”


We began walking back, me laughing at Dirks expense. I discovered that the steps in accepting the fact that you have been robbed are very similar to the five stages of grief. There is at first denial then anger then depression then finally acceptance. I supposed you could add bargaining at the point of robbery, doesn’t really count.
On the way back we ran into some more locals. These Hawaiians looked like they were in good spirits. So Dirks pulled himself together and decided to give it a second chance. He explained his sob story.

“Some guy rolled up in a truck and pulled a gun on me”
“Was it a green Chevy?” one of the Hawaiians asked
“Ya!”
“Did it have a silver tool box in the bed?”
“Yes!”
“That’s mother f**king Pono Grace! That f**ker tried to rob my mom last week”
“Oh s**t”
“Ya and he just got out of jail to. Crazy mother f**ker”
“Do you think he would have shot me?”
“Na….. Haha actually ya he probably would have shot you”

They smoked Dirks out and we made some friends. The moral of the story is don’t go roaming the unlit streets of Kona in the early hours of the morning. Or just use common sense.